But if I’m going to be watching the Oscars, and I’m going to be drinking, and I’m going to be playing a game, I may as well be playing my own Oscars drinking game, so here it is.
I tried to avoid some of the most obvious ones, because I know me some Oscars, and if I wanted to, I could seriously get you drunk before 6 PM.
Have fun, everyone!
Neil Patrick Harris says or implies that we wish he was Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
A joke spoils (or comes close to spoiling) Gone Girl.
A mention of Selma is followed by a cut to a “person of color.”
Neil Patrick Harris makes a gay joke about Alan Turing.
Someone jokes about how The Imitation Game and The Theory Of Everything are similar because they’re both British biopics.
Neil Patrick Harris insinuates that a Gone Girl-like sexual experience turned him gay.
Ellen’s selfie from last year’s Oscars is mentioned. (Take two drinks if it’s shown.)
Someone asks if the show is “rushing or dragging” or screams “NOT MY TEMPO!”
Anyone jokes about how many Oscars Meryl Streep has.
Anyone jokes about how many Oscars Julianne Moore doesn’t have (yet).
An award recipient says they could not have made the movie without their spouse who had nothing to do with making the movie.
You see (or someone mentions) Groot from Guardians Of The Galaxy.
Oprah looks surprised by a particularly edgy joke.
Meryl Streep shrugs.
Clint Eastwood gets that ol’ Dirty Harry murderous gleam in his eyes.
Tilda Swinton looks like she’d rather be participating in a bisexual threeway.
Lady Gaga gestures in a way that is obviously meant to show off her new engagement ring.
A previous Oscar winner that you forgot existed or thought was dead appears to present an award.
An affable celebrity that another celebrity takes a dig at smiles and shakes their head good-naturedly but you can tell they are secretly digging their fingernails into their skin under the table and plotting revenge. (Take two drinks if it’s George Clooney.)
Someone mentions that they had a really clever bit planned, but the producers cut it for time.
You see a clip from The King’s Speech, The Artist, or Argo.
SMILE KNOWINGLY AT…
Anything to do with hacking or North Korea.
Anything to do with a fake baby.
50 Shades Of Grey mockery.
References to how American Sniper is the only Oscar movie to make a significant amount of money.
Anyone singing any part of “Everything Is Awesome.”
Any mention of Harvey Weinstein in jest.
Anyone jokes about how watching Inherent Vice makes you feel like you’re stoned.
Someone dusts off an old Matthew McConaughey bongos reference.
A mention of Wes Anderson is followed by a cut to Wes Anderson and an abnormally enthusiastic amount of cheering.
James Franco’s ill-fated hosting duties from several years ago are mentioned.
Someone gets seriously sentimental or patriotic about American Sniper.
Someone talks earnestly about how hard being an artist is in reference to Birdman.
Someone speaks earnestly about Alan Turing’s sexuality in reference to The Imitation Game, which neglected to show him being even a little bit gay.
Lyndon B. Johnson is mentioned.
Anyone likens Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in Nightcrawler to paparazzi or people in Los Angeles in general.
An actor actually manages to thank the screenwriter who wrote all their dialogue.
Jupiter Ascending is mentioned.
“12 Years” is mentioned either in the context of filming Boyhood or slavery. (Take two shots if they are mentioned together.)
Someone mentions Meryl Streep while accepting an award for a movie that in no way involves Meryl Streep.
The second recipient of an Oscar opens their mouth to say something just as the music strikes up and they are promptly whisked off stage by someone famous’s hot daughter.
Anyone says “…or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance” in its entirety.
A winning actor or actress starts to talk about the other nominees in their category but stops before mentioning each of them by name.
The winning supporting actress mentions that it was an honor to be nominated alongside Meryl Streep, with the implied undertone of “fuck you, Meryl, I WAS BETTER THIS YEAR.”
FINISH YOUR DRINK IF…
Woody Allen shows up.
You catch a glimpse of Lupita N’yongo’s brother.
There is a clips montage about heroes.
Neil Patrick Harris appears in a Birdman costume.
Jaws music plays someone offstage.
A presenter reflects soberly about how important the screenplay is but none of the nominated screenwriters have yet been thanked in a speech.
Anyone calls out the blatant fact that Birdman is exactly like Black Swan.