One of my many procrastination-friendly pastimes is perusing the Google searches that lead people to this very website. Sometimes people seem to come here and find exactly what they’re looking for — a music video, perhaps, or my insights on the latest Terrence Malick movie.
More often, they are looking for naked pictures of somebody.
My reviews of Magic Mike and Rust And Bone are some of my most popular entries, and it’s probably not because they both ended up on my Top 10 list last year. It’s because those movies have sexy pictures to go along with them, and people who use Google are, apparently, very horny. Sometimes I wonder if I am the most masturbated-to amateur film blogger in the world.
There’s nothing like a Google search to reveal the dark side of humanity, which is some of the reason why there are a disturbing amount of searches regarding Joan’s rape on Mad Men and lots of people who want to see Marion Cotillard without clothes and legs. Plus, there really isn’t a single celebrity out there who someone doesn’t want to see naked… yes, including the cast of Amour.
I occasionally like to share some of my very favorite, most head-scratchingest Google searches with my readers.
So here you go:
“virgin broken fuck” — 1
No clue what this could mean. But I hope they never found what they were looking for.
“sarah michelle gellar nip i know what you did summer” — 1
I have seen that movie approximately 400 times and I am pretty sure there isn’t much to see in the way of nipples.
“gypsy gay men boner pictures” — 1
There isn’t a Tumblr for gypsy boners yet? Well, why not?
“movie about a kid walking around with a tambourine and a mute old guy” — 1
This is actually a pretty perfect description of the plot of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, a movie I am still astounded was nominated for Best Picture.
“i didnt understand cabin in the woods” — 1
Didn’t understand it? This isn’t exactly 2001: A Space Odyssey. It’s all pretty straightforward.
“new york city shallow superficial” — 1
Yeah, that’s fair. I can see why you might feel that way.
“i don’t have anyone i can talk to it’s so horrible i’m so sad” — 1
Yikes. I’m really sorry you feel that way. I hope my recap of this week’s Breaking Bad makes you feel better!
“nude multiple amputee ladies” — 1
I know it’s my own fault for posting that picture of Marion Cotillard from Rust And Bone, but still. Ew.
“nude sex scene in film amour, elderly” — 1
There is no nude sex scene in Michael Haneke’s Amour, you pervert!
“betty francis in shorts watching tv with boy holding hands” — 1
You have to admire a Googler who knows exactly what they want to see and will stop at nothing to find it.
“nude photos at the time of sex” — 1
Huh? Is this some sort of a sequel to Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love In The Time Of Cholera? Somehow, I doubt it.
“holly white breaking bad fanfic” — 1
Is there seriously fan fiction about Walt and Skyler’s infant daughter on Breaking Bad? Oh my GOD, people! Go outside and take a hike or something!!
“christopher nolan shirtless” — 1
Wow. Yeah. We’ll file that right next to the Guillermo Del Toro jerk off video.
“glenn close! oscar-nominated role as 19th century irish woman-in-drag albert nobbs” — 2
If you already know the title of the movie, why the hell are you including all that excess information?
“ass magic” — 2
That could mean so many things, and yet I don’t want to know about any of them.
“zoe kazan legs” — 2
Yep, Zoe Kazan has legs. Next question?
“dean norris naked” — 2
Really? I love me some Hank Schrader, but I’ve never had a strong urge to see him in the buff. Even sitting on the toilet was almost too much.
“was rose byrne in romy and michele’s high school reunion” — 2
No! She wasn’t! But she does look a lot like Julia Campbell, who played Christy Masters-Christianson, so it’s a fair question. Though I’m not sure why this had to be Googled, rather than a perusal of Rose Byrne’s filmography on iMDB.
“kathy bates nude pictures” — 2
I assure you, you will find no such thing on my website. Move along, please.
“any nude sex movies” — 2
Not picky at all, are we?
“movies set on the ocean” — 2
Hmm. Do you mean movies set in the ocean? Or perhaps Googling “movies set on boats” would be a smarter search? Not many movies take place directly on the ocean without some sort of craft in between.
“is skyler white ladyacbetj” — 2
Someone was trying to inquire whether or not Skyler White is Lady Macbeth, but had a stroke while they were typing. Someone should go check on this person.
“sex is zero fuck” — 2
I’m afraid I have to strongly disagree.
“goggle at gay boys on google” — 2
Nope, not a clue.
“mature gay lover in bed” — 2
Emotionally mature or physically mature? Please be more specific, Googler!
“mark zuckerberg nude naked” — 2
Pretty sure these photos don’t exist, and if they did, Mark Zuckerberg would probably erase the entire internet just to stop us from seeing them.
“what does brock look like in breaking bad” — 2
Seriously, this is what you Google? Hey, I know… why not try searching for pictures of this character?
“wife carrying by moon light + naked” — 2
No clothed wives carrying by moonlight, please. That just won’t do.
“eliza leatherpants” — 2
I assume this was someone hoping to see Eliza Dushku in leather pants, but without a space, this sounds either like a poorly-named Bond girl or possibly a character from a slightly risque children’s book.
“sexy nude sex” — 4
Unsexy nude sex? No thank you. I like my nude sex to be sexy, and so should you.
“mila kunis so hot” — 4
Fair enough, but what’s your point? Do you think adding a “so” will really pull up even sexier pictures of Mila Kunis?
“nude old men fuck” — 4
Are you sure you want to see that? Once you’ve seen it, it can’t be unseen…
“is thomas horn gay” — 5
I wondered the same thing when I was watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Time will tell.
“adam arkin naked” — 5
Whatever floats your boat… but seriously?
“zero dark thirty better than argo” — 11
Whoever Googled this needs to drop me a line and become my new best friend.
“britni spirs” — 13
“Britney Spears” is still the most popular search on my site, but apparently you can find it even if all the vowels except “i” on your keyboard are broken. Remarkable!
“what the hell is melancholia about” — 14
Now this is a respectable inquiry. Much better than whoever didn’t understand Cabin In The Woods.
“garret dillahunt nude” — 14
People come to my site searching for all sorts of nude celebrities… but Garrett Dillahunt sure is a random one.
“madonna bouncing boobs” — 15
There are all kinds of “Madonna” and “boobs”-related searches that make their way to my site, but for boobs that are bouncing, you are clearly looking for Madge’s “Turn Up The Radio” video. You’re welcome.
“kesha feet” — 17
“betsy brandt nude” — 26
Do this many people really have a Marie Schrader fetish? Is Breaking Bad really such a sexy show? I’ve never gotten to the end of an episode and thought, “Man, I’d really love to see this entire cast nude…”
“rj mitte shirtless” — 28
Apparently people want to see Walt Jr. in the buff too. (To be fair, this blog now actually does have a photo of RJ Mitte shirtless, thanks to the main image.)
“i’m going to kill myself” — 50
It’s unfortunate that people are Googling this at all, and unfortunate that Googling this brings some people to my site. It’s possible that my review of Magic Mike was the last thing some people saw… perhaps my cinematic insights convinced them to change their minds? Don’t do it, people! At least not until you’ve seen every movie on every one of my Top Ten lists! See? There are things to live for…